did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
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