I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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