i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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