She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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