somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize