I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
