She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I would fuck him just for his dog
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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