Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
