He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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