You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
