I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
