I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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