I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
