he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
