Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
