I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize