hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
