Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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