Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize