my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
