If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
