FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
