I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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