Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize