can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
