The best revenge is premature balding
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
