Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
