my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize