I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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