Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
