Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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