The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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