Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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