the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
