Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Randomize
