hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
