Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She announced her abortion via fbk
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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