Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
