You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
