Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
