my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
