I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
