im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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