My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
As shirtless as possible
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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