She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
