Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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