I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
