This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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