I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
