Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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