wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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