New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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