We got so high we made milksteak
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
