The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
