I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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