last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize