just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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