lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
