I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize