It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is Oprah even human
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
