I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
